Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Day 3: Aliens vs Gremlins

As the movie crossover madness continues I am proud to bring you a page from the lost screenplay for legendary Alien vs Gremlin.


EXT. FOOD STAND IN THE CAPITOL OF SATURN 3 - ALIEN + GREMLIN- MID SOLAR DAY Spaceship starlights stream by outside to and from the spaceport as Alien and Gremlin finally come face to face after a long pursuit.

Gremlin
Seven years on The Prison Plant. In the hole for three. Titan before that.

Alien
Was Titan as tough as they say?

Gremlin
You looking to become a interstellar penologist?

Alien
You looking to go back? I chased some crews, the guys were lookin' to fuck up and get busted back.

Gremlin
You must have worked some dipshit crews.

Alien
I worked all kinds.

Gremlin
(pause) You see me doing thrill-seeker liquor store holdups with a "Born to Lose" tattoo on my chest?

Alien
No, I do not.

Gremlin
Right. And I...(low threat)I am never going back.

The adversarial intensity is eye-to-eye.

Alien
Then stop all the mischief.

Gremlin
I do what I do best. I’m a mischief maker. I see Zach Galligan and I just want to put his mother in a blender… You do what you do best trying to stop guys like me.(shrugs)

Alien
You never wanted a normal-type life? I mean who wouldn't enjoy terrorizing Zach Galligan but...

Gremlin
What the fuck is normal? Barbecues and ballgames?

Alien
That's part of it.

Gremlin
That's nice. That your life?

Alien
No. My wife spends half her time on the couch watching Oprah. My stepdaughter's got problems 'cause her real father's a galactic class asshole. And every moment I got, I'm chasing guys like you.

Gremlin
A Triffid told me once: you want to make moves? Don't keep anything in your life you're not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner. (pause)
So if you're chasing me and you gotta move when I move, how do you expect to keep a family?

Alien
What are you, a monk?

Gremlin
No. (pause) I got a woman.

Alien
What do you tell her?

Gremlin
She thinks I sell Food Re-Generators.

Alien
And if you spot me around the corner. You gonna walk out on her? Leave her flat? Like that? Not even say goodbye?

Gremlin
That's the discipline.

Alien
What you're left with is pretty empty.

Gremlin
Yeah? (beat) Then maybe you and me, we should both go do somethin' else, pal.

Alien
I don't know how to do anything else.

Gremlin
(the shared confession)...neither do I.

Alien
And I don't much want to.

Gremlin
Neither do I.

Both of these guys look at each other and recognize the
mutuality of their condition. Alien's light laughter:


Alien
We're sitting here like a coupla regular fellas. You do what you do. I do what I gotta do. What
happens if I am there and I got to put you away? (pause) I won't like it. But, if it's between you and some poor bastard whose wife you're going to make into a widow, brother, you are
gonna go down. 'Cause you don't have to be there. You coulda gone and been a... a Zornk man.

Gremlin
There's a flip side to that coin. What if you got me boxed in and I gotta put you down? (beat) 'Cause no matter what, you will not get in my way. (beat) But now that we been face to face, I would not feel good about that. But I won't hesitate. Not for one second.

Alien
(smiles) Maybe it'll happen that way. Or who knows ...

Gremlin
...maybe we'll never see each other again.

They look at each other for a moment. Gremlin's wry smile.

Alien
(to waitress) Can we have the bill

And if you want more crossover madness visit Quit Your Day Job and read all about an essential piece for any collector of 80's music.

6 comments:

Lee said...

I bawled my eyes out laughing at this - I loved the pic and I want to be a Zornk

At least we're entertaining each other with these LOL

Jess said...

I'm loving these. :) So far, my favorite is Cannonball Run of the Living Dead. Keep up the good work!

Becca said...

Lee-
Who doesn;t want to be a Zornk! I mean if I could make the money a Zornk makes...

Glad you liked it.

Jess-
I'm glad your enjoying the crossover!

Dr. Zaius said...

OK, Alien is the authority figure from the film Heat, that kind of makes sense...But he is married with a step-kid? I would think stepchildren would eaten immediately...I love it! I must be stupid, but I don't understand what a Zornk man is. Alien: "What d'you want for that, a junior g-man badge?"

Becca said...

Dr. Zaius-
Yeah married with a step-kid, that's what happens when you get hitched to the queen. And yeah Alien has tried on several occasions to eat the kid but as happened in those old Sylveter and Tweety cartoons the old queen is always there with a broom to knock the little step-kid out of Alien's mouth.

Becca said...

By the way Jr. G-Man badge LOL!